Lately, I have been experiencing what is called spiritual desolation. It is the absence of any sense of God in my life. And I have been handling it terribly.
Circumstances in my life have caused me to doubt my faith in God and myself. I have totally stopped praying and have turned away from anything that reminds me of God. I still go to Mass but have not received Communion for 2 weeks. I just can’t do it.
I haven’t written in this blog for almost 2 months and I also have had severe insecurities about how I see myself compared to others that I know from my parish. I feel that everyone else is much holier than I could ever be.
It is after I met with my parish priest that I learned about this desolation. St Igantius wrote about it at length and I am currently reading a book about this called Discernement of Spirits. It has been very interesting and everything in it makes sense.
So what have I done? I have done the opposite of what the book calls for.
I can’t pray. I can’t go to God. I can’t understand it all.
It is a dryness of my spiritual life which at times has scared me. I have actual had dreams about the enemy and him telling everything was going to be OK.
That did it for me.
My parish priest Fr Mohan is amazing. His insights into this dryness of prayer life gave me a different way of looking at myself. I was content to be depressed and wallow in my despair. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say knowing that he would tell me what I already knew- I had to fight through this time.
Today, I went to Mass and received Communion for the first time this month. It was so difficult. I was as nervous as I must have been when I received my First Communion forty plus years ago. I don’t know if I got anything out of it but it’s a start.
I am still feeling desperate and confused and spiritually dry. But maybe this blog post is a small step in the right direction. St ignatius says in one of his rules that when desolation is upon you, do not change your habits. I did exactly that. I did a 180. I changed everything. And it is going to cost me everything unless I can get this turned around.
I am desolate. Avoiding God. Feeling uncertain. Dry as a bone.
I am human. I have ups and downs in my life. And I know that in this dark times, light will shine eventually. That for me needs to be the light of prayer back in my daily life and the light that only Jesus can provide for me.
I don’t feel like praying or asking for help. I want to be miserable right now.
Lord, this is my feeble attempt at a prayer. Just don’t give up on me. Let me be miserable until I finally figure it out. And when I do, love me and accept me for who I am. A weak, flawed human being who is nothing without you.